i always do this. i start a blog or diary with the greatest and biggest of intentions for it. i have the grandest plan ever for it. and then i stop using it. maybe it's too much, too much of the inner reflection or too much to letting myself be known to all. i'm not sure but it's frustrating that i just stop. i want to promise myself to keep it up better but i know that's just a promise i would break and i can't do that, that would be even worse. i will just do my best.

i showed my work to a patron i'm working with, with the intentions of using them within my current work. they hated the idea, they said "oh it's nice, it's just not us." great. what do i do with you then? oh, creative challenges how you haunt me unrelentingly. it's just so difficult to invest so much into work and basically yourself and then be shot down so so quickly. doesn't everyone just want to be wanted?

i've been back in school for a month now. and have way more work to do than i think i can handle, of course i can and will, i will just fret in the process of the next ten weeks. i willed myself into thinking i could paint digitally and boy, what a challenge. i believe that i can make work for someone for a show that someone would then want to own. and i do believe that, it's just still very difficult to imagine. i do love having a class with patrick, even though no one talks in the class except for the instructors. i just want to make interesting, viable work and not lose too much sleep. except, i'm doing that now, losing sleep- oh, you are so far away from me now! not much longer, i will find you soon.

i will try to keep up with this. i will make a unpromise promise. that's right, i said it.