i've been working on this series a lot, in fact i've been working on it for almost a year and a half. that's a long time, and i feel like the body that i've made has matured a lot. i would like this to be the kind of work that i actually do but i can see it being difficult to obtain work that i will be able to make this normally. it's hard, because i've put so much effort into this and this being my main work at school but i wonder if there actually is a market for me. i wonder if i don't actually shoot "real" enough. i wonder if i should have just gone into something safer. but i love what i do and how i do it. so. the last bit of my time at school will be this. i believe in me.

i always do this. i start a blog or diary with the greatest and biggest of intentions for it. i have the grandest plan ever for it. and then i stop using it. maybe it's too much, too much of the inner reflection or too much to letting myself be known to all. i'm not sure but it's frustrating that i just stop. i want to promise myself to keep it up better but i know that's just a promise i would break and i can't do that, that would be even worse. i will just do my best.

i showed my work to a patron i'm working with, with the intentions of using them within my current work. they hated the idea, they said "oh it's nice, it's just not us." great. what do i do with you then? oh, creative challenges how you haunt me unrelentingly. it's just so difficult to invest so much into work and basically yourself and then be shot down so so quickly. doesn't everyone just want to be wanted?

i've been back in school for a month now. and have way more work to do than i think i can handle, of course i can and will, i will just fret in the process of the next ten weeks. i willed myself into thinking i could paint digitally and boy, what a challenge. i believe that i can make work for someone for a show that someone would then want to own. and i do believe that, it's just still very difficult to imagine. i do love having a class with patrick, even though no one talks in the class except for the instructors. i just want to make interesting, viable work and not lose too much sleep. except, i'm doing that now, losing sleep- oh, you are so far away from me now! not much longer, i will find you soon.

i will try to keep up with this. i will make a unpromise promise. that's right, i said it.

i was at rally's yesterday, getting their amazing fries, a banana milkshake and a coke. i was waiting for a couple to finish ordering, the woman was extremely obese and the man looked like a former football player. they were taking too long and she should not have been having fast food anyway, anyone see fast food nation much? i still had much waiting to do and a man comes up behind me to ask if was waiting to order my food, of course i was, i had been forever. he commences to ask if the fries have garlic on them, i tell him that they don't but they're amazing and that's all i plan to order. he then asks if i don't eat meat, of course i tell him i don't and he praises me for my good nature and stamina or something. and his final question, i swear we were playing twenty questions, was to ask if i was in high school. i smile politely, and tell him no, i'm twenty-one and it's probably my braces that make him think that. his response: no, it's your face. thank you, pest control guy, i'm going to order now and try to forget about what you had just said to me. i know rally's has two drive thru windows, i just can't stand that either, so i must deal with strange people in the fast food lines in los angeles. i love saturdays

the term is over. and it went by so quickly but also it at times felt like it went on and on. i've been working full time again at the camera store and it's a little overwhelming again, i feel like i've seen a million photos just in two days. i'm so glad to have a day off to rest my eyes for a little bit.

the other night i was so terrible to everyone i love- i was being such a girl and didn't know how to make things any better. i did, thank goodness.

i really need this break and am looking forward to all that is planned. i know it's going to go so quickly though. i just hope that i get to do everything that i want. this weekend is the start of all of. it should be fun.

yesterday when patrick came over i met him outside, it was dusk, and the mountains that can be seen from my front yard were purple. it was so majestic, i couldn't believe it. we couldn't believe it. there were also three eagles flying togeather overhead. i know this sounds very patriotic, it wasn't. it was awe inspiring.

today's classes were the last classes and they were cancelled. i turned in my final projects and left. it didn't seem like the right kind of ending. i still have one last class left.

the other night, while cuddling, i told patrick that i love him. he said he loves me. he also said he wasn't afraid. not afraid of telling me that or being in love. i asked him if he thought he would be, he said he didn't. earlier in the evening, we were hanging out, actually cuddling as well, and patrick said it surprised him that we can be togeather so much and not be bored with each other or need time apart. i'm not afraid either.

today, my great grandma broke her left leg and right wrist. she unexpectedly walked into the tv that was out of place. she'll be having surgery tomorrow. she's ninety next year. she's pretty amazing.

last night i was stupid. i went out with friends and had way too much to drink. i was completly thoughtless. i didn't think about if i had too much how i would get home safely, i put my everything into the hands of a friend who was also completly trashed. i texted patrick, asking him to save me. i just felt so shitty and wanted his comfort. i knew that he wouldn't be able to really save me, i just wanted him to know that i wanted that. by the time i was home, and passed out, he had texted me four times asking if i was okay and worrying. tonight we went out and it was just horrible. he's so upset with how careless and stupid i was. he had a hard time looking at me, let alone talking to me. when he did his speech broke up. and i could barely talk back to him. we left on a horrible note, with him and i not really talking. he mostly just told me now dissapointed he was with me. in texts after i left the resturant i tried to explain myself. i know i haven't changed his dissapointment. i wish i hadn't been so thoughtless. i wish i knew what to do.

how much do you love me?

-i love you.
-a lot.

good.
i love you too.