i always do this. i start a blog or diary with the greatest and biggest of intentions for it. i have the grandest plan ever for it. and then i stop using it. maybe it's too much, too much of the inner reflection or too much to letting myself be known to all. i'm not sure but it's frustrating that i just stop. i want to promise myself to keep it up better but i know that's just a promise i would break and i can't do that, that would be even worse. i will just do my best.

i showed my work to a patron i'm working with, with the intentions of using them within my current work. they hated the idea, they said "oh it's nice, it's just not us." great. what do i do with you then? oh, creative challenges how you haunt me unrelentingly. it's just so difficult to invest so much into work and basically yourself and then be shot down so so quickly. doesn't everyone just want to be wanted?

i've been back in school for a month now. and have way more work to do than i think i can handle, of course i can and will, i will just fret in the process of the next ten weeks. i willed myself into thinking i could paint digitally and boy, what a challenge. i believe that i can make work for someone for a show that someone would then want to own. and i do believe that, it's just still very difficult to imagine. i do love having a class with patrick, even though no one talks in the class except for the instructors. i just want to make interesting, viable work and not lose too much sleep. except, i'm doing that now, losing sleep- oh, you are so far away from me now! not much longer, i will find you soon.

i will try to keep up with this. i will make a unpromise promise. that's right, i said it.

i was at rally's yesterday, getting their amazing fries, a banana milkshake and a coke. i was waiting for a couple to finish ordering, the woman was extremely obese and the man looked like a former football player. they were taking too long and she should not have been having fast food anyway, anyone see fast food nation much? i still had much waiting to do and a man comes up behind me to ask if was waiting to order my food, of course i was, i had been forever. he commences to ask if the fries have garlic on them, i tell him that they don't but they're amazing and that's all i plan to order. he then asks if i don't eat meat, of course i tell him i don't and he praises me for my good nature and stamina or something. and his final question, i swear we were playing twenty questions, was to ask if i was in high school. i smile politely, and tell him no, i'm twenty-one and it's probably my braces that make him think that. his response: no, it's your face. thank you, pest control guy, i'm going to order now and try to forget about what you had just said to me. i know rally's has two drive thru windows, i just can't stand that either, so i must deal with strange people in the fast food lines in los angeles. i love saturdays

the term is over. and it went by so quickly but also it at times felt like it went on and on. i've been working full time again at the camera store and it's a little overwhelming again, i feel like i've seen a million photos just in two days. i'm so glad to have a day off to rest my eyes for a little bit.

the other night i was so terrible to everyone i love- i was being such a girl and didn't know how to make things any better. i did, thank goodness.

i really need this break and am looking forward to all that is planned. i know it's going to go so quickly though. i just hope that i get to do everything that i want. this weekend is the start of all of. it should be fun.

yesterday when patrick came over i met him outside, it was dusk, and the mountains that can be seen from my front yard were purple. it was so majestic, i couldn't believe it. we couldn't believe it. there were also three eagles flying togeather overhead. i know this sounds very patriotic, it wasn't. it was awe inspiring.

today's classes were the last classes and they were cancelled. i turned in my final projects and left. it didn't seem like the right kind of ending. i still have one last class left.

the other night, while cuddling, i told patrick that i love him. he said he loves me. he also said he wasn't afraid. not afraid of telling me that or being in love. i asked him if he thought he would be, he said he didn't. earlier in the evening, we were hanging out, actually cuddling as well, and patrick said it surprised him that we can be togeather so much and not be bored with each other or need time apart. i'm not afraid either.

today, my great grandma broke her left leg and right wrist. she unexpectedly walked into the tv that was out of place. she'll be having surgery tomorrow. she's ninety next year. she's pretty amazing.

last night i was stupid. i went out with friends and had way too much to drink. i was completly thoughtless. i didn't think about if i had too much how i would get home safely, i put my everything into the hands of a friend who was also completly trashed. i texted patrick, asking him to save me. i just felt so shitty and wanted his comfort. i knew that he wouldn't be able to really save me, i just wanted him to know that i wanted that. by the time i was home, and passed out, he had texted me four times asking if i was okay and worrying. tonight we went out and it was just horrible. he's so upset with how careless and stupid i was. he had a hard time looking at me, let alone talking to me. when he did his speech broke up. and i could barely talk back to him. we left on a horrible note, with him and i not really talking. he mostly just told me now dissapointed he was with me. in texts after i left the resturant i tried to explain myself. i know i haven't changed his dissapointment. i wish i hadn't been so thoughtless. i wish i knew what to do.

how much do you love me?

-i love you.
-a lot.

good.
i love you too.

today is the first day of the last month of 2007. and with realizing this, with patrick next to me, 2007 has been mosty good. i told patrick that i'm happy he's been apart of my 2007. i love being with him, in every way. i told him that too. we talked about how we've become best friends. i still want to tell him more than this though.

i've been an adult for two whole weeks now.

for my birthday, i had class and worked. after work, i met patrick and we went to dinner. he took me to a cute mexican place in silverlake so i could have my first legal drink- a margarita. he chose the perfect place. on saturday night i celebrated my birthday with friends, it was packed everywhere we went. we went to the cha cha lounge for drinks, we sideswiped a parked car on the way there. it was alright. my friends were amazing the entire night. patrick got me the best present- a trip to san francisco for a few days during the break. we've started looking into things, we're gonna have the best time.

my birthday was really amazing because of patrick, i'm so glad he's in my life. there's things i want to tell him. i need the right moment.

today is my twenty-first birthday. i've been celebrating a little bit all week. this morning i was awoken first by my dad, who at 7:15am, thought i was starting my dad. he called to tell me he is now old. and then the second wake up call was at 8:30 to singing and a candle in a muffin by kim and chris. the rest of the day will include class, work and then a very late dinner with patrick, that i'm vastly looking forward to.

i was thinking while in the shower yesterday morning, deep thoughts as usual, and realizing that from this point on i should be or rather i will be seen as a full fledged adult. this morning my grandma said something to this effect, but with laughter. normally i don't wear make up- it's a bit of a hassle, but this morning as i was listening to a favorite mix on itunes i put on make up and i welcomed and feared the new status i've obtained.

i know i need to take a deep breath and remember that i've been practically an adult, with all the responsibilites and no actual title, for years. this is my recognition. and it's shouldn't be a bad thing. i mean, millions of people are adults who definately don't act like it so i can make it with no problem.

my body


I am a woman, average size by all accounts of society; I am ethnically mixed although never thought of myself in that way. I am young, not even a full-fledged adult according to American society; I am twenty. I am Ariel Marte

I am half Irish, a quarter Mexican and bits of Italian, Filipino and German. My skin is olive tone and features are Mediterranean. I am constantly asked what nationally I am especially since my name doesn’t give away any clues. When I was young, elementary school age there were two classes for each grade separated by language preference, English or Spanish. I grew up speaking English; I was in the English class and therefore identified myself as “white.” I don’t consider myself that now, I know that I am mixed but I find it hard to identify with all of my nationalities.

According to society and sales racks that never have my size I am average. I wear a size 9/10 dress and 9 in shoes. My chest is also average, but I’m sure men would think it’s bountiful. I think I could stand to lose twenty pounds and my stomach isn’t flat as an iron but I don’t put in the effort to change that. I eat what I want without over indulging and walk quite a bit as my form of exercise- at least that’s what I tell myself. When I look at myself in the mirror, just me, no clothing. I’m okay with my body. I, of course, nitpick but I am generally untroubled with what I’ve grown into and how I’ve kept myself.

I find it interesting being a woman and have often times thought how much easier things might be to be a man. I feel like as a woman I am not taken as seriously sometimes, with this knowledge I try to overcome that as often as possible. I like the sexuality and seriousness that can be carried within my body as a woman.

I am the oldest of three siblings from divorced parents. I had to grow up very young and take on enormous amounts of responsibility as a surrogate mother to my brother and sister. Upon entering middle school and moving in with grandparents this weight was lifted from my shoulders and I could just become a kid again. The learned responsibility hasn’t been forgotten and while only twenty I feel like I am much older. To the rest of society I am barely an adult and I find this a little difficult to comprehend at times. I do like being young, though the thought of aging is both scary and amazing. I find those that accept aging to be very brave and only hope that I will find that trait with years to come.

I, at the moment, am very pleased with my body and all it lets me experience. I find it hard to imagine this life from another point of view other than through out my own eyes. My body and experiences with it has shaped me into someone that I’m proud to be- a young woman.

last night when patrick and i were going to dinner, driving past the silverlake reservior, he asked where the past three weeks have gone. and said they have just been a blur. i said the past five weeks, the amount of time i've been in school, has been a blur as well. and he said, "seriously, what did we do three weeks ago?" i knew what we had done last weekend, but the past two and three weeks were a blur to me as well.

friday night we were walking through echo park during an art walk and it started pouring. at first it wasn't so bad, mist almost. once we reached the gallery we were dreached. we stayed in the gallery probably a little longer than we would have, and once out in the downpour again we walked hand in hand and took in los angeles during the storm. it was wonderful.

the photo above is from last weekend, which was also very busy. we went to a gallery showing of a friend, went to a music festival and patrick became my model for a day so i could for the first time photograph "the nude." he was so amazing to let me do that. i know that i needed the experience and i am very comfortable with him, and i know he is with me as well.

this weekend has already started to blur a little, and i still have a few papers to write. hopefully the next seven weeks of school won't go by so fast. i need to catch up or stay on board.

this long weekend was amazing- exactly the break i needed. almost entirely spent with my boy. i want to go back to it, today was harsh.

in one of my classes second term (or was it first?) my teacher told us that we see so many images a day- from advertising, internet and various other resources. this figure that he told us was astonishing but completely made sense. i think it was in the thousands or at least high 100s. can you imagine- it's like we are the indian who had to shake the stick at all the people that he saw in england the moment he got off the boat. we would be lost in all the mathematics and be completely overwhelmed. i often wonder if this is just too much for our society and culture. just over a hundred years ago little more than half the people in developed culture had seen a photograph. what would it be like to be them now with the bombardment of images? what does this mean to someone like me who makes images for a living (or at least attempting to)? i feel as if i might be throwing heaps upon the already vast mound and only hope that what i make and conceive might make a difference in cluttered world. i know that it makes me feel better that i might display my thoughts and feeling and various other emotions into and onto the world.

also, did you know that more than half of the worlds population has never made a phone call? what do you do with all of yours? is it worth while?

i went on an architectural walking tour of downtown last thursday with my class. i met thomas on the metro line and we chatted. we walked and walked, had brunch at mcdonalds. i was revaling in the fact that downtown has a completely different vibe during the day time and it takes on such life. i figured as much, but it wasn't my downtown with patrick at all. i still love it and the tour was so amazing. i learned so much that i had no idea about. who knew school could do that?

this past week has been crazy. it's been sandwiched between viewing the worlds largest pictures. where do i fit within those large scapes? i hope that i'm not just a minisule dot within the large galaxies or just a speck of grain among millions. i want to shine bright, even if only for me. i don't want to be exhuasted by all the little things and burn into the void. waking up with amazing thought and wonder and beauty will only make everything work alright, i think. i am hopeful. i believe.

last night patrick and i were at the bank, after dinner trying to decide what to do with the rest of our evening when we found a dog. some people in a truck were yelling to get the dog. we thought he was theirs. he wasn't. he had tags and was very friendly, he even listened to commands. we decided that we should find his owners and return him. so off we were.

we went to the local animal hospital to see if we could get any answers and we did, sort of. we were able to get an address, it was on the west side of town, an hour away from where we were. we drove. the registrastered address wasn't his. we drove back toward my side of town. and went to the local humane society.

the whole time, he was being so good. we decided that his name would be pico. and that he was the best "found" dog ever. we wanted to keep him.

while giving all of the information to the humane society, patrick was sitting with pico at the kennel he was put in. he looked so sad to have bars between he and patrick. when i was all done with the information giving, we had to go. and pico had to stay. he barked for the first time as we left. it was like leaving a part of us there.

i'm going to check in with the humane society tomorrow and see if his owner have found him yet. i really really hope so.

sometimes late at night i walk around downtown with patrick. he's always done this. sometimes we're just walking and looking at the old buildings or scouting for locations to shoot or just shooting for the heck of it with no clear photo in mind. this has been most of my summer. it's been warm enough and time kind of flies by. by the time we get home it's two or three. for blocks we may not talk or hold hands. we may talk of the mundane and inconsiquential. he tells me which are his favorite buildings and certain memories from each. we watch the cockroachs and rats scurry by as they search for their late night meals. we've learned where to always find them and hopefully i can avoid those intersections. we see art through galleries that have been closed for hours. we find buildings that are beautiful but closed- for the night or forever. i think we find a little of ourselves in the night cloaked concrete, brick and stone world of downtown.



these are some of my favorite nights.
summer is almost over.
i just want to hold on to the feelings of all those nights.

this seems like a day to start a diary-esque blog again. i think i need it. i'll add photos, quiries, anecdotes and thoughts. i wonder how it'll turn out. let me know what you think- it might be taken into consideration.